Whether there are children involved or not, ending a marriage or partnership challenges us in ways that not much else does. The term “good divorce” seems a contradiction in terms. And yet, there are practices we can bring into our lives that will help us navigate the big waves and the roiling waters.

Things you can do to ease you and your family through this life-changing episode.

1.    Express my feelings. I do more than communicate them to the others.  For example, if I’m angry, I might pound my bed or a pillow. Or I might journal or paint furious red canvases.

2.    I seek support.  If I’m feeling hopeless or discouraged about this new phase, I seek support from a counselor, clergy member or friends.|

3.    I encourage others not to take sides against the person with whom I’m ending a relationship

4.    I minimize change, keeping as much of the routine and rhythm of life as possible, for myself and for my children. If I don’t have custody, I try to maintain as many old habits and rituals with them as I can. I consistently maintain rules that have been in force in the past.

5.    I build a team of people to help me make good choices and, hopefully, less adversarial choices.

6.    I remember divorce is not about winning but being able to move on independently.  A good outcome in a divorce is something both parties can live with.

7.    I remind myself; when children are involved, it’s about fostering healthy development of the children. I use email, fax or mail to communicate, when talking isn’t working. However, I respect that these communications don’t belong at work, and I remember that the goal is not to zing the other but to gain clarity.

8.    I avoid talking negatively about my former spouse in front of friends or my children. I know it has a negative impact on my children and their self-esteem and will polarize and alienate friends who want to remain in relationship with both my former spouse and me.

9.    I make sure to attend to my physical and emotional needs, taking time for myself to rest and heal during this stressful period.

10.    I don’t seek to physically, financially or emotionally hurt my spouse or partner.

11.    I involve a mediator in negotiating post-relationship arrangements, such as co-parenting or splitting belongings when communication breaks down.

12.    In front of children or mutual friends, I concentrate on my ex’s better qualities rather than on those that precipitated the divorce.

13.    I spend time, maybe months; taking stock of the lessons I’ve learned from this relationship. I do on my own, in my journal, or with the help of a professional.

14.    I remember the golden rule as I go about parting ways, treating my ex in the way I want to be treated.

15.    I formally recognize the closing of this chapter of my life with a ritual or ceremony, if possible with my former partner; if not, then by myself.