Boundaries are those invisible lines of protection you draw around yourself; the way you assert your wants and needs with others.  Asserting your boundaries is the way people know your limits.

Healthy boundaries give you freedom in relating to others and give them a sense of security in knowing what is expected.  Make them too solid and you build walls, too weak and your relationships become unclear. How well constructed are your boundaries? Take a few minutes to find out.

•    I start statements with “I” rather than “you” or “we.” This lets me own what I say and is less defensive than “you” and cleaner than “we.”
•    My boundaries are specific and clear.  “I don’t accept phone calls after 10 p.m.” Rather than vague and mushy. “Don’t call me too late.”
•    I’m consistent when I create boundaries. If I say “no phone calls after 10 p.m.,” I don’t make exceptions unless the situation is truly exceptional.
•    When people attempt to cross my boundaries, I don’t assume the worst (they don’t care, they weren’t paying attention, they’re selfish and inconsiderate); I simply restate my position.
•    As soon as I realize I’m in a situation that might be headed for trouble, I announce my boundary. “I won’t continue talking with you if you raise your voice at me.”
•    I try to avoid situations and people where I know my boundaries will be continually tested.
•    I don’t take responsibility for how others respond to my boundaries. If someone becomes resentful because I won’t accept a 10:30 phone call, or I didn’t wait when she was twenty minutes late for our appointment, I don’t have to try and make it OK for him or her.
•    I respect others’ boundaries and ask for clarification when I’m not certain of their limits. “How late do you accept phone calls?”
•    When people refuse to respect my boundaries, I walk away rather than get into a situation that could escalate. I say why I’m leaving.
•    I let people know when I have extended a boundary. “It used to be OK for you to be late, but now … “

Every individual has to create his or her own boundaries, what’s OK for one might not work for another. But every person has a right to set boundaries and to expect that their limits will be respected. If your boundaries are flimsy or worse, nonexistent, you invite drama and chaos into your life.

Boundaries held firm will help make life easier, reduce conflict and improve relationships. Plus, they’re a real self-esteem booster. As the poet said, “Good fences make good neighbors.”